I wish I had it. I wish I could roll up all my little feelings into a nice bottle, take it to a river and watch it float away. I really wish I could.

Even when I know a break-up is inevitable or even when I was not necessarily happy right before the break-up occurs, I’m still go through this period of caring too much. I brought it up. I did it. But it still bothers me that it is over.

I guess I’m more upset at the fact that I tried. I really put forth an effort with this woman. I love her. It seemed that every time we were good, no not good, but excellent something would happen. Her life would hit a bump that would derail our happiness in a sense. Dealing with someones fiscal irresponsibility is difficult as you get older. How can I enjoy a day at the mall for myself knowing my girl is struggling? Do I help? Do I give up my financial freedoms while she sleeps her day away? What was she doing to really change her circumstances?

What bothers me most is that she feels that I was not there for her. She just does not realize how hard it was to be there over and over and over again. I was there. I told her that I was not quitting. She quit. She gave up on herself and gave me no choice but to walk away. Could I have done better? Maybe. Could she have done better at handling her business? Most definitely. The fact that she did not hustle to make her situation better made me feel like our relationship was not as important to her. She did not mind the strain it put on things. Or so it seemed that way.

She was private, moody, stubborn and she lacked motivation. How do you support that? I could not know the full picture. Private. I have to deal with her mood swings. Moody. I cannot tell her how to do something better because she wont listen or she’ll think I’m trying to tell her what to do. Stubborn. I call her and she has slept all day–ok not all day but napping. Lack of motivation. Really?

I never judged her for her decisions but she definitely judged me for mine.

Blah blah blah…I cannot wait until I don’t care anymore.